Sample "Essay Help Session" Transcript
Date and Time:
Sunday, October 4, 2009, 4:00 pm - 5:00 pm EDT NOTE: A transcript of a recent Essay Help Session is shown below. One of the great benefits of these sessions is the personalized attention given to your essay draft by Ben Kaplan, the nation's most famous college and scholarship application coach. He's helped turn thousands of student essays into winners and now he can for your essay too!
Chat Transcript:
Ben Kaplan: Looking forward to a great essay help session today!
Amanda: Looking forward to it, too!themom7: Just posted an essay for Healthy Respect scholarship
Ben Kaplan: Thanks for posting, themom7....
themom7: Also posted my son's essay for Patriot's Pen--hope two isn't too many.
Ben Kaplan: Let's begin!
Ben Kaplan: We can start with your daughter's Healthy Respect essay...
Question: This is my daughter's essay for an organization that promotes abstinence and other low-risk behaviors. The essay question was "How has making healthy choices helped me focus on achieving my goals?"
Answer: “Mom!” That is what I want to be called.
My life's goal is two-fold: to be a nurturing wife and mother and an inspirational role model for my children. The decisions I have made to accomplish this goal are abstaining from sexual activity before marriage, not smoking, not drinking, not doing drugs, and eating nutritiously. These are healthy choices, and have helped me focus on my goal of modeling what I will teach my kids.
I made up my mind at a young age that I will save myself until I get married. Although I want to be a mom, I want to be a mom under the right circumstances. For me, the right circumstance is being married. I have a friend whose mom was not married when she became pregnant. All of her mother's plans were derailed, but my friend still asks, “Since my mom didn't save herself, why should I?” My children should never have to ask that question. But more importantly, how will my kids respect my input regarding their sexuality if I have not followed my own advice?
I have also made the choice to never smoke, drink alcohol, or do drugs. All three destroy a person's health, and are extremely addictive. Alcohol and drugs impair a person's judgment, and kill brain cells that can never be regenerated. Not only do I not want to use to a substance that might cause me to do things I would later regret, I do not want my children to see me in a state of dependency, which could easily be the result of using these substances. I also intend to be able to do things with my children.
The long-term effects of smoking, drinking and taking drugs are staggering, and totally erode one's quality of life. My grandmother smoked and drank for 40 years. She was hindered in her ability to participate in her kids' activities because she could never catch her breath, had to keep track of the ozone quality, and suffered from multiple ailments due to her prolonged drinking. Because of the damage caused by smoking and drinking, Nanna had to take 18 medications, which all had terrible side effects. Her quality of life was horrible because of the unhealthy choices she made in her teen years. She always regretted not being able to undo her mistakes, and I regretted that she was never able to see me grow up.
Finally, I want to eat healthy food in moderate portions. This way I will prepare and fuel my body with the proper nutrients to have healthy children. Later on, my eating habits and attitude towards food will play an influential role in my kids' choices and how they think about what they eat. Since I will play the lead role in grocery shopping and meal preparation, I will be able to provide my husband and kids with nutritious foods. Healthy eating habits are formed at a young age, so if I create them now, it won't be such a struggle when I get older.
I want to make healthy choices so that I can set an example for my children one day. My credibility is destroyed if I want to be a good role model for them, but participate in one or all of these detrimental activities. Thus, my influence is diminished, and in my opinion, I will have fallen short of a noble goal.
Amanda: I just read the essay and liked it.
Ben Kaplan: The essay is a good start.... and I think it leads us nicely into a discussion of the role of stories and anecdotes in making an essay more personal and powerful.
Ben Kaplan: For this type of essay, the sponsoring organization, Healthy Respect, knows that most entrants are going to tell them what they want to hear. So your goal is to make your essay more credible by really SHOWING that you believe everything you are saying.
Ben Kaplan: So the essay has plenty of good reasons to back up the main point--living a healthy lifestyle--but it needs to make a more emotional connection with the judges. For instance, has there been a moment in time when the writer faced a lot of pressure to stray from healthy choices... how did she overcome it?
themom7: I know some of the essays need to be more emotional/passionate. Wasn't sure if the Healthy Respect needed to be.
Ben Kaplan: Or I think the part about the grandmother has a lot of potential for a powerful story...
Amanda: Yes, I liked the part about the grandmother, too.
themom7: That's a great point about pressure
Ben Kaplan: I think it would be great to open this essay with a story--either a moment from the writer's life or a moment when the writer was with her grandmother.
themom7: so if she adds a pressure situation, she would be more likely to connect with the judges?
Ben Kaplan: For instance, you could open with a moment in which the writer's friends were pressuring her to do something unhealthy and she stayed strong....
Ben Kaplan: Or a moment when the writer was talking to her grandmother about her regrets....
themom7: okay, that's very helpful!
Ben Kaplan: Or a moment when the writer made a less-than-good decision and won't repeat it in the future....
Amanda: Yes, that would be a very interesting story to read. Like "making it personal" tip you gave in the workshop?
Ben Kaplan: Yes, that's right, Amanda!
Ben Kaplan: She needs more emotion/passion because that enhances believability and helps her stand out. It also makes the essay less of a "beauty pageant" answer... everyone knows that it's easier to say these things than actually do them. So describing a moment when she was tested shows that she's about ACTION not just words...
themom7: This really helps--she truly has deep convictions, but the essay is just "talk"
Ben Kaplan: Yes, most essays sound like just "talk".
themom7: Her essay is at the max. word count. Any thoughts, or just rework it?
Ben Kaplan: Don't worry about word count at this stage... rework the essay first, then pare it down. I recommend writing 20 percent longer than word count for rough draft because it forces you to make it tighter and more concise. All essays can benefit from that.
themom7: Great! Worry is lifting!
Ben Kaplan: Glad I can help.... :-)
themom7: Neither of my kids is around to ask this ignorant question--Is our discussion saved so I can review it later?
Ben Kaplan: Yes, there will be a transcript available at www.cityofcollegedreams.org/camp/chat. But also, you can cut and paste the chat text to save it for later....
DPikovsky: Hi, I posted a essay question and answer for a college application and would like to hear your comments.
Ben Kaplan: Hi DPikovsky... everyone refresh your browser page to read DPikovsky's essay.
Question: The University of Maryland prides itself on being an inclusive community that celebrates differences, brings together people form the widest array of backgrounds and perspectives, and recognizes that excellence cannot be achieved without diversity. What do you look forward to gaining from the diversity of the University of Maryland.
Answer: Clarksburg High School, my high school, opened in the fall of 2006. Boundaries; Economic Diversity; Cultural Diversity. These were the buzzwords used by the school board members, the superintendent, and the new principal whenever they spoke about my school prior to its opening. All I wondered was what did it mean for me?
My family was different. We never had a Christmas tree like the other children in public school. When I was thirteen I had my Bar-Mitzvah; none of my friends from public school had a Bar-Mitzvah. During Sunday school we were taught about the holocaust, the State of Israel and the wars between Israel and neighboring Arab states. News coverage about the Middle East focused on the current conflict between Israel and the Palestinian people. The leader of Iran denounces Israel and denies that the Holocaust ever happened. All of these helped to reinforce that I was different. I am Jewish.
As I looked around on the first day at Clarksburg High School, I realized that we were all different, all individuals. Students from three middle schools, and different backgrounds, came together to create this new community. The diverse community that the administrators had created at our new school became part of my learning experience.
Our school, like the University of Maryland, prides itself in its diversity. By attending the University of Maryland I hope to continue learning about other people, other cultures. My experiences will allow me to help other students to grow and accept students of different backgrounds. Friendships that I develop could be the building blocks to a society more tolerant of other people. By bringing people together from different backgrounds and perspectives I believe that my education at the University of Maryland will be much more than just a degree.
Ben Kaplan: So let's go ahead and talk about DPikovsky's college essay....
DPikovsky: Thanks.
DPikovsky: 300 Word Limit, I think we are at 296, the limits can make it tough.
Ben Kaplan: Yes, word limits can be tough but I always recommend not stressing about that at the beginning... get your content down first, then edit later.
Ben Kaplan: So DPikovsky, I like the general approach of the essay, but have some suggestions, of course....
DPikovsky: thats why we are here!
Ben Kaplan: First point: The first paragraph, I think, should focus on YOU, not your school. After all, the college will admit YOU...
Ben Kaplan: In this short an essay, I don't think you need that long an introduction to set the scene....
Ben Kaplan: Your line "My family was different" (second paragraph) could be a great way to start the essay. Very dramatic.
DPikovsky: Ok. Then probably the same for the second paragraph because it also is background / set the scene
DPikovsky: The idea there was to give background to show the diversity isnt an "issue", the been there done that approach
Ben Kaplan: DPikovsky, I also think the intent of the essay is a little different... more about what you can appreciate about others' differences.
Ben Kaplan: So two things you're trying to say: 1) I'm different and have a unique perspective to contribute and 2) I appreciate and learn from the differences of others.
DPikovsky: I like that. The 1 then 2...makes it more clear to me what they may be looking for in the essay.
Ben Kaplan: Do you have a friend who is very different than you and that you love learning from? Is there a moment in school--a story you can tell--when differences and diversity really enhanced the learning experience? These are the types of questions that help you find a personal story to tell.
DPikovsky: I will have to think about it a more in depth
Ben Kaplan: Yeah, the main thing is that you want to be believable... Question to think about: When was a moment where I interacted with people very different from me and really had fun and learned a lot from the experience? And then.... How will I recreate more moments like this at the University of Maryland?
Ben Kaplan: Follow what I'm saying? Make sense?
DPikovsky: Nice, that is very helpful to get me going again...back to the drawing board. Yes I follow and it makes perfect sense.
DPikovsky: Thanks for the input, i like it. One more quick question. A few of the college applications ask for a "personal statement", any general thoughts
DPikovsky: what should go in a personal statement like that
Ben Kaplan: Bottom line is that they just want you to say something that gives them a deeper sense of who you really are and why you would be a great contributor to their campus.
Ben Kaplan: Did you watch the workshop session when I talk about the "universal judging criteria"?
DPikovsky: Yes. I will go review it again.
themom7: daughter speaking: (Brenn) Love your comments to DPikovsky! Learning alot, might stick around:)
Ben Kaplan: Hi Brenn!
Amanda: You mean when you talk about communicating character qualities like responsibility, initiative, etc?
Ben Kaplan: That's right, Amanda.
Ben Kaplan: In a personal statement, you need to communicate those core qualities... so you need to brainstorm a story or anecdote or example that demonstrates this. You show who you are to demonstrate the type of personal you'll be on their campus...
Ben Kaplan: Brenn, did your mom explain my comments to your on your essay. Your essay was a nice start! :-)
themom7: Yes she did, still want to review the chat, though. Thanks!
DPikovsky: All, thanks very much for the input.
Me: Since we only have a few minutes left, let's take a look at themom7's VFW Patriot's Pen Scholarship essay....
Question: "When is the Right Time to Honor our Military Heroes?"
Answer: We, as Americans, should honor our military heroes at all times. Military men and women are patriots, willing to give up everything they have, prepared to sacrifice their right to family, friends, possessions, and even life itself in order to defend and preserve the common good of their fellow countrymen. They are heroes and they deserve our utmost respect; in turn, we should demonstrate our gratitude openly, freely, and regularly.
Honoring our heroes, both veterans and active duty personnel, should be a lifestyle for Americans. We should look for opportunities to honor them in small, as well as large ways. Our local, state, and national governments have established general ways to revere our heroes, such as designating holidays, setting up memorials, and building monuments. But, we as citizens, should be looking for everyday ways to honor these individuals.
For example, when I see a serviceman, I will open the door for him, let him go through the door first, or wave and smile at him. These acts, though insignificant to some, represent my attitude of gratefulness and respect for his service and bravery. I did nothing on my own to warrant the great commitment he has made to me, a citizen. It is only right, then, to demonstrate my gratitude by showing deference in a situation such as this.
Another outstanding way to honor our heroes is to send letters of support and encouragement to them. I regularly write to active duty personnel and send my letters through Operation Gratitude. My family and my 4-H club participate as well. We tell the soldiers how much we appreciate them and how thankful we are for their courage. Thanking the people who provide our freedoms is an excellent habit to start.
I think we should also honor military personnel at church gatherings, ball games, and community events. If our communities would commit to recognizing the servicemen at these smaller events, we could bring a very personal touch to their lives. Those attending, as well as those watching by television would be blessed and encouraged.
Our military heroes are willing to risk everything they have. Many are fighting or have fought in other countries for our safety. They deserve to be honored for their great sacrifice. They deserve for us, their fellow Americans, to show them how much they mean to us. The right time to honor our military heroes is now.
Ben Kaplan: I like the point that honoring the military isn't just about the "designated holidays"...
Ben Kaplan: But I still need a more personal connection somehow.... have any grandparents been in the military? Other family members?
themom7: Grandfather in Berlin call-up and Navy CB's, which translate into all state-side duty
Ben Kaplan: And I need something unique or novel here, too.... Most people will write something about how we need to honor the military, but what's a unique spin on that?
Ben Kaplan: Maybe something personal with Operation Gratitude? Any stories from that? I could see the essay simply open with a description of your son writing one of those letters...
themom7: Okay--any unique spin tips?
Ben Kaplan: General point could be that honoring military not just about big parades, holidays... it's what we do everyday that really counts.
themom7: Great! that helps! Thanks so much for your time!
Ben Kaplan: And maybe that by honoring them with small daily things, it also helps us, too. Reminds us about what's important, reminds us to serve our country.
Ben Kaplan: So it doesn't just benefit the honoree, it also benefits the person doing the honoring!
Ben Kaplan: What do you think? These are just ideas... you don't have to agree! :-)
themom7: Awesome. I think we're getting the hang of it now.
Ben Kaplan: Cool. That's great!
Ben Kaplan: Any last questions, anyone?
themom7: This has been sooo helpful Thank you!
Amanda: Yes, even though I didn't submit own own essay today, I learned a lot from your comments on other people's essays!
Ben Kaplan: Glad to hear that! If this has been helpful, tell your friends to sign up for Scholarship Super Camp! See you guys at the next session on Wednesday....